Introversion vs. Manners

This article came up on my Facebook feed today: Am I Introverted, or Am I Just Rude? by KJ Dell'Antonia.

Unlike most articles I read, I had a *super* strong reaction to it.

Background on me: Like the author, I do not suffer from social anxiety specifically (although I do see a therapist for a general anxiety disorder), and, also like the author, I was raised to have good social manners, to be polite, and to follow the rules of what makes a good guest and a good host. 

Both of my parents had pretty high expectations of my brother and me: my dad's were academic, and I mostly met them; my mom's were social, and I mostly fell short.

Mom is a social butterfly to a T - my dad used to say that you could drop my mom off on an alien planet, and if you came back three days later, she'd introduce you to all of her new friends. My mom is turning 60 this year, and is still in regular contact with friends that she met in the first grade. Social graces are very important to her, and she definitely passed those along to us.

So, between what I learned from Mom and what I got from being in a sorority for four years, I know the rules, and I am able to deploy them in real life pretty well, for the most part - I make eye contact and small talk with cashiers; I always say "please" and "thank you"; I mostly remember to introduce people if I'm not sure they already know each other; I can easily navigate a conversation with a bus seatmate or a coworker I don't know well.

But it's exhausting. It's not second nature; it requires me to draw on a lot of mental resources and requires a lot of focus. So if situations pop up in life where I can avoid those types of interactions, I will take that path of least resistance if I can. I don't think that's inherently rude.

The author asks, "In a contest between my manners and my preferences, am I allowing my preferences to win?" And that feels like a false dichotomy to me.

The article seems to be making two main points: that not engaging with people around us creates a more isolated and homogenous personal society (which I agree with); and that not participating in large group gatherings is inherently rude (which I don't agree with). It equates skipping fundraisers, coffee dates, meetings and school assemblies to "neglecting my friends, avoiding my fellow parents or letting my community engagements suffer." For me, that takes it a little far.

To me, it all depends on scale and expectations - is the gathering small enough that people will notice I'm missing? Is it the type of get-together where my absence will be noted no matter how many or how few people are there? If the answer is Yes to either of those, then prioritizing my introvert's desire for alone time would be rude IF I didn't RSVP to say I wouldn't be there. 

So, declining to attend a school fundraiser that I'm not involved in planning, or leaving a school assembly as soon as the planned content is over - those don't feel rude to me. Blowing off a coffee date, or skipping a work meeting - that's different. I think "rude" is an accurate way to describe those.

The article ends by saying: "Too many of [these excuses] boil down to just that one thing: We care more about ourselves than about the needs of others. That’s not about introversion. It’s just an ordinary version of selfishness."

I spent a long time thinking that caring about myself more than others was selfish - but I know better now. It's a balance. Yes, it's important to take other people and their needs into account - but not at the expense of my needs. I deserve to be prioritized just as much as anyone else.