A Mostly Unedited Scream About My Mother

There's a part of me that thinks that every post I ever write is going to be about my mom. (Except maybe the ones that are about my dad.) I've just come home from spending four days in her company, and this trip feels like an entire microcosm of our whole relationship, except it's not. It just feels that way because I'm tired, because I find her exhausting in equal measures to how much I love her.

I am fiercely protective of her, and I also want her to be at least five feet away from me at all times, and I also want her to scoop me up in her arms and just take care of me for once. She is one of the most intent listeners I know and also she instantly forgets things almost immediately after you tell them to her, and when you remind her of this, she will say, "oh, right, I remember" and I never know if she actually remembers or if she just feels ashamed that she forgot. She truly thinks I am one of the coolest people to ever exist and she also is just not very curious or interested in me as a person separate from her. She cannot make or keep a plan to save her life, and she doesn't understand why this frustrates me, despite the fact that we have had dozens of conversations about it. She is the most popular person in any room she goes into, and she is also deeply insecure. She cannot keep her voice down, and she hardly ever tries to. She loves to complain (just like her father, my grandpa) and she gets irritated with me when I try to point out that the people she's complaining about might have a point. She always gets excited when a song she loves starts to play, and she does a little ridiculous dance every time - the same dance, no matter what song. She has smoked cigarettes off and on for her entire adult life, but she still feels bad about it and goes off in a corner to have a smoke (which she calls "having a puff"). And she's even worse about smoking cannabis (which she still does, even though she's given up drinking), which she can barely refer to above a whisper even though it's fully legal and no one cares.

She's adorable and she's infuriating and she's hilarious and she's frustrating and she's sensitive and she's thoughtless and she's generous and she's self-centered and she's charming and she's annoying and I still wouldn't trade her for any other mom I've ever known or heard about. My love for her is so messy that she still pulls the rug out from under me every time, even though I've known her my whole life and she hasn't changed. EVERY time, I somehow think it's going to be different than it is, and I don't even blame her for it any more.