If The Fates Allow
I've always loved Christmas. I love the lights, the cold weather, finding the exact right gift for someone I love and then seeing their face when they open it, the smell of Christmas trees, and, most of all, the continuity of it all. I love that I hear the same songs every year, and I hang the same ornaments on my tree at age 34 that I did at age 4, and I make the same cookies that my mom made. I love that I know that, in my family, we always open our stockings first, and then all of our presents in one big rush. I love that, in these small moments, there *are* things that are just the same as they were when I was child, for just one brief instant in time.
After the end of the holiday season, I want to feel relaxed, loved, joyful, and excited to move forward into the new year. But today, I just feel tired. So tired.
I know that it's a rough time of year for many people, especially people who have issues with their family, but I've never considered myself one of those people. But I guess I am, now.
The older I get, the less inclined I am to bend over backwards to make people comfortable when those people don't take my comfort into account at all. But I still want to spend Christmas with my family, and my friends, and the people whom I love and who love me.
So I thought the best solution, the best way for me to make sure that I got what I needed and still got to celebrate with my loved ones, was to host Christmas here at my house. I would do all the work, go to all of the effort, just to have everyone together and spend time with each other. And it worked in a lot of ways. But it didn't make up for the issues that are there - and have been there for a long time. Actually, it just highlighted them, made them more evident and clear.
I think that may mean a huge change in my family going forward, and making that happen is going to take a lot of work, and cause a lot of grief, and create a lot of blowback. All of which only makes sense if I believe that I deserve to be in charge of my own life, and that I deserve to have my boundaries and my preferences respected. Which, on my best days, I think I do.