Friendship is Rare

Hello! I am a 36-year-old woman who just typed "how to turn acquaintances into friends" into Google. This is my life.

The older I get, the more I realize that I am not only not that great at making friends, I don't even really know *how* other human adults generate and sustain relationships with other humans. Almost every single significant relationship in my life currently, I sort of fell into (i.e., was adopted by extroverts).

Part of it is that I'm an introvert and a homebody - I really do enjoy my own company, and prefer being at my own house to pretty much any other place, so I can go without seeing friends for a long time.

Part of it is that I have a chronic disease, and so it takes a lot of my energy just to get through a normal day.

A big, big, big part of it is that I grew up thinking I had to "earn" people's friendship, love, goodwill, affection, etc. - until my dad died and I went into therapy, I really on some deep level believed that my purpose in life was to be there for other people, to give love to other people, to make life easier for other people, and that asking for any love, support, help, etc., would disqualify me from having friends / loved ones.

(WOW, that is fucked up when I type that out. Also, please note that my dad died and I started therapy in 2008, so we're going on a decade here off and on of untangling this shit. *sigh*)

So, now, in 2018, I am intellectually 100% on board with the concept of my relationships being reciprocal, and needing to not just give but also receive love, support, etc. (Emotionally I'm still catching up, but that's what "fake it till you make it" is for, right?) And, at the risk of sounding conceited, I'll even go as far as to say I'm pretty good with breaking the ice and, like, getting people to react positively toward me. (Thanks, Mom's incessant hostessing and four years in a sorority!)

Where I'm stymied is the logistics of the thing: even if I made it as simple as "hey, I think you're swell, want to be my friend?", then what? How do I go from leaving comments on their social media posts to being in-person friends? I probably go out for coffee with that person, or maybe a meal, right? Or maybe I invite them to my house? But then what do we do? Like, obviously we talk to each other, and exchange information and ask each other questions (oh crap I really do sound like a robot when I type this all out) .... but there should be another layer to it, right? Like, something to get the conversation started and/or to look at / comment on when there are awkward pauses?  

And when do I do this? On a weekend, which are my only two full days off and also need to somehow encompass me getting chores done and spending quality time with my husband and also possibly hopefully just getting some goddamned rest? Or on a weeknight, which makes for a quicker hang-out with more defined starting / ending times but also has to fit around eating and me getting to bed early enough to be up at 4:45 am the next morning?

Trust me, too, I realize how shitty and dismissive this all sounds - like "oh, no, dealing with other human beings is SO HARD, they are the worst, it's such a burden on me to do this very normal thing that almost every other human does, seemingly without thinking about it." The truth is, I actually generally find it really easy to like people. I've been very fortunate, especially in the last two or three years, to meet many AMAZING people, people who I adore and think are wonderful and who I think would be wonderful additions to my life (and I could probably be a pretty good addition to theirs, too). But then I get stuck on my (not helpful, not necessarily true) thoughts of "you like them more than they like you; you'll get too friendly too quick and they'll think you're a weirdo; once you make plans with them, they'll get bored and realize that you're not special" OR, even more unhelpful, "once you open that door, they'll want things from you all the time, and you'll have to do them all, because saying no to people in need is not something you get to do."

I've even been trying, in my nerdy, Ravenclaw sort of way, to brainstorm, like, what friendship even is, what friends should be to each other, because I feel like I don't even have a really good grasp on what that looks like (as is probably abundantly clear from the preceding paragraphs). So far, I've come up with this:

• RECIPROCITY - I am really really focused on this. It feels selfish to me, which lets me know that my calibration for this stuff is way off. 
• Telling the truth (in a kind, helpful way), even when it's not easy
• Equal footing (this is probably an element of reciprocity)
• Asking for help / being vulnerable / sharing both feelings and work when things get hard
• ALSO sharing happiness and good things and fun stuff we've discovered - not always using the safe space of the friendship to offload hard experiences and feelings
• Communication / talking to each other / staying caught up on each other's lives

I don't know, y'all.

Seriously, how do people do this? Am I some sort of weird robot that doesn't prioritize human contact, or is everyone else struggling with this and I'm just not seeing it?