Making A Resolution About Resolutions

I really want to be making a post with my New Year’s Resolutions; I love them. I love an opportunity to look inward, ask myself what’s working and what’s not, and decide what the next best steps are. I love that back-to-school feeling of “maybe this is my year”. I love having a plan and a checklist and knowing what comes next. Especially coming off of a rough year, I love the hopeful feeling that makes me feel like I’m about to seize the day, 365 times in a row.

But part of the wisdom I’m bringing with me out of 2019 is being able to differentiate between what I want to have happen, and what is possible or even just realistic to have happen.

And here’s the thing about January. The 15th will be the 12th anniversary of my dad’s death; the 19th will be my 39th birthday; the 24th will be the 2nd anniversary of my leukemia diagnosis. That ten-day period carries a big mental and emotional load for me.

Add to that my usual post-holiday comedown and the fact that (once again) I am starting a new job at the beginning of January, and it’s just a lot.

Part of me really wants to be the kind of organized, efficient, shit-together person that would be able to integrate all of the above and also, say, do yoga every day and clean out my office. But I know enough now to know that even if I could do that, even if it was technically possible, it would require me to be 100% disciplined and focused and just *on it* at all times, and I can’t do that. I don’t even want to. I need to leave room to be relaxed, to make choices, to be able to let go of things.

And so that means New Year’s Resolutions in February, I guess. At least, that’s what I’m going to try this year.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of *thoughts* about what I want to do in 2020, or what I think would benefit me the most, or what work needs to be done. Just that I don’t have to decide right now.